March Madness: Frozen Pizza Tournament

March Madness: Frozen Pizza Tournament



If you’re anything like the doughboys then you probably could give two shits about basketball, let alone a bunch of stupid college basketball teams taking up valuable TV airtime. Having said that, if you’re anything like the doughboys then you probably love pizza. When delivery/pick up isn’t an option, the next best thing would be to step your frozen pizza game up. For the rest of the month we’re gonna have a bracket challenge to find the best of the best when it comes down to microwaves and conventional ovens. Call your bookies, set your toaster oven to 375 for 12-15 minutes and place your bets. This is the frozen pizza sweet sixteen.

Ellios VS. Hot pockets

Two of the greatest foods under $3/drunk foods/2 days before payday foods. I’ve been eating both ever since I was a pimple faced, fat kid. What do you know about making all 9 pieces of ellios on a Saturday afternoon and watching the back to the future trilogy? However, hot pockets do make a mean ham and cheese. Not to mention the space aged, crisping sleeved technology they’re equipped with that cook your pocket in 90 seconds or less. I gotta go with Ellios on this one. Pepperoni pizza pockets are no match for Ellios “scold the roof of your mouth, hot sauce covered, sprinkle extra cheese on, deliciousness.” – JC


Totino’s Pizza Rolls VS. Bagel Bites

This might be the toughest battle of this first round. I very rarely ever eat either of these 2 by themselves. I usually couple them with boneless wings and mozzerella sticks, to make some giant, voltron-like appetizer meal. Pizza rolls are an amazing snack because I usually end up buying the 90 count bags which can last me up upwards of week. On the other hand, when pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time. Both teams gave their all and pizza alumni around the world would be proud, but I gotta give this win to the trans fat filled pizza rolls. Not only do those little cutie pies fulfill your every hunger, but you get 6 times as many for the same price as 9 bagel bites. Long live the rolls. – JC

Bagel Bites/Pizza Rolls

Hey, cool glasses bro.

DiGiorno VS. Red Baron

“It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno.” Oh really? How about “it’s not pizza, it’s fucking garbage.” I appreciate the attempt of adding the mediocre wings, breadsticks and cookie combinations with their pizzas but it’s still trash. Red baron offers the same style combo bundles with a much better tasting pie. Not to mention the baron is $1-2 cheaper than DG. Plus! DiGiorno’s advertisements they run on TV drive me fucking crazy. Red Baron advances on the simple fact of quality over quantity…and a super badass name. – JC

Head to head battle

California Pizza Kitchen VS. Tony’s

I truly feel for you if you haven’t had the opportunity to visit a California Pizza Kitchen yet. It’s a chain restaurant that has multiple gourmet pies in their arsenal. Up until recently, they’ve been strictly a west coast thing. In fact, they claim to have invented the BBQ pizza. Regardless, they make one hell of a frozen pizza. The margareta pizza is one of my favorite single serving pizzas. Target usually offers 3 for $5 which I’m truly grateful for when my mortgage is due. I’m not gonna lie, I really don’t have much to say for Tony’s. It’s par pizza with the occasional 10 for $10. I imagine a microwaved Tony’s pie is magnificent after night of drinking 7% ABV beers. But not today. CPK won this battle with a landslide victory and advances to the Elite 8. – JC

Newman’s Own VS. Kashi

Is there anything Paul Newman can’t do?? Even from beyond the grave, his line of food products continue to do anything but disappoint. His crispy pizza with zesty and fresh veggies totally took out the Kashi roasted veggie thin crust. I wish I could’ve sat down and ate 50 slices straight just like the scene in Cool Hand Luke. – JP

Cool Hand Pizza

Tombstone VS. Freschetta

I try not to litter my reviews with obscenities, but Freschetta fucking sucks. I mean it REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. For years I ate the left over Freschetta pizza from the Nazareth hospital cafeteria at the end of the night, only because I got it for free before they threw it away. There were plenty of nights where going hungry would’ve been a better option. If left in the oven for even 30 seconds too long, the crust becomes inedible. This was the situation once again this round. Extra cheese Tombstone totally destroyed the 4 cheese medley Freschetta. “Here Lies Frescetta: The Worst Pizza Ever For Stupid Idiots” – JP

Stouffer’s French Bread VS. Mama Celeste.

Going into this sweet sixteen, I already knew Mr. Stouffer was gonna make it to the big four. I don’t want to give a bias opinion on the French bread pie, but it never fails to disappoint. That is, unless you fail to cook it long enough and it’s ice cold in the center but hot enough to sear the roof of your mouth. The only thing mama celeste has going for it was her brief but memorable cameo in don’t tell mom the babysitter’s dead. “Mama Celeste face up, I go to work. Mama Celeste face down, we’re selling carnations on a freeway off ramp.” 10 for $10 mama’s with your acme supercard wasn’t nearly enough to topple the pizza reign of French bread pizza. – JC

Thumbs up to bread from France.

Lean Cuisine VS. Smart Ones

Healthy pizza? I know, it doesn’t sound fun. But to be honest, Lean Cuisine four cheese pizza isn’t half bad. Considering it’s microwaved, only 350 calories, and has 20 grams of protein, it’s a pretty decent option for those who’re trying to look a little less doughy. Smart Ones wasn’t bad either, but Lean Cuisine just squeezed past the competition. – JP


About Doughboys Pizza Blog

2 totally awesome, self proclaimed pizza experts on a never ending quest for the best slices in Philadelphia.

5 responses »

  1. Ellios + Old Bay – Heaven

  2. love this idea. love!

  3. This is the best thing ive read after 2AM in a while. That mama celeste movie cameo reference absolutely killed me. Also, i cant imagine the difficulty of choosing between bagel bites and pizza rolls.

  4. Stouffer’s French Bread really brings the noise. It’s by far the best pizza bread I’ve reviewed.


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