Originally, we had a 3 way battle royale planned for you guys to include palace skating rink’s snack shop pizza. However, their stuck up doctor’s office hours of 1-4 pm and 7-10 pm didn’t quite work well with the doughboys’ schedule. So today, we’re just gonna keep this a duel for the best entertainment pizza and save the skating za’ for a rainy day.
Chuck E. Cheese’s
9175 Roosevelt Boulevard
Chuck E. Cheese’s has been around for decades, entertaining undisciplined children and serving subpar food since 1977. I bet you didn’t know that the guy who invented Atari also founded this place. If you didn’t attend a birthday party at this dump as a kid, then your friends probably just hated your guts because of your daily morning breath. My fondest memories of Chuck’s included winning 432,000,000 tickets and cashing them in for dumb shit like 10 giant bouncy balls and 87 plastic spider rings. The horrific animatronic band, that when awakened from their slumber, could scare the fleas out of a North Philly rowhome. The infamous unsanitary ball pit that was home to such surprises as trash, dirty diapers, syringes, feces and condom wrappers. And lastly, the pizza. Growing up, Chuck’s pizza was always my favorite pizza. If I could go back in time, I’d punch my teeth down my throat for ever thinking such blasphemous thoughts. “Always frozen; Never fresh” should be their motto. Why wouldn’t a plump, little 8 year old Filipino boy like myself enjoy such a pizza? Back in mid 2011, Chuck E. Cheese’s campaigned a new pizza recipe that promised “Fresh dough, crispier crusts, fresh toppings and 100% freshly shredded cheeses.” Those words look great on paper, but to actually incorporate them is a whole ‘nother story. The pizza we got today was no different than the pizza I recall choking down as a kid. It was extremely sloppily made. The rubbery crust took what seemed like hours to chew. The “fresh sauce” tasted like they popped the lid off of a “fresh jar” of ragu spaghetti sauce and went to work. The grease soaked, soggy pepperonis are blackheads waiting to happen. The only saving grace about coming here is knowing the “anti-pedophile kidnapping blacklight hand stamp” you get at the door to prevent the snatching of your pizza filled children by mustached predators. I felt totally safe, yet completely unsatisfied here.
Chuck E. Cheese’s pizza wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad either. It was fucking horrendous. I understand people don’t come here for the pizza, they come for the games and the experience of being a kid or whatever. The pizza is just to keep the kids held over while they impatiently wait their turn to whack-a-mole or ski-a-ball. Why not offer them something fresh and unique instead of the same old garbage you’ve been serving up since the Carter Administration. If I were the C.E.O of this company, I would blow my brains out inside the ticket blaster machine like a gentleman for allowing my customers to be exposed to such slop. This is an understatement, but Chuck E. Cheese’s is hands down the WORST pizza of 2012 and quite possibly my life.
Although it took me 27 years to finally visit a Chuck E. Cheese’s, I probably would’ve been better off never visiting at all. I thought long and hard about my childhood, but no birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese’s come to mind. I remember Discovery Zone, Sahara Sam’s, and random bowling alley parties, but that’s about it. I didn’t really expect a world-class pizza at this dump, but for $20 bucks, I expected something at least edible.
For starters, as I just mentioned, a large pepperoni pizza was $20 bucks. The whole entire point of pizza is the fact that it’s usually so affordable since it’s so inexpensive to make. Even some of the best pizzerias in Philly don’t charge more than $15 bucks a pie, so needless to say there’s no excuse for charging anything more for this slop. Instead of coming with a metal server to handout slices, our pie came with a plastic knife which could barely even cut through the cheese (which I’m pretty sure was also made of plastic). The bottom line is this pizza tasted gross, had a rubbery texture, and was outrageously overpriced. I honestly have no idea how Chuck E. Cheese’s can get away with serving this crap. This pizza was worse than every chain pizzeria combined. I really shouldn’t have expected much from an establishment whose spokesperson is a cartoon rat. If Chuck E. Cheese were real, I would’ve had him exterminated a long time ago.
100 E. Street Rd, Feasterville PA.
Bowling alley pizza. The two go together like peas and carrots. I mean, what better way to have a good time with your friends than to crush a few slices while you crush a few 7/10 splits. I’m probably the worst bowler on the face of the earth, so trips to the alley are pretty scarce. As is dabbling in their snack shop pizza. The first thing that comes to mind when referring to the two is the scene in kingpin when Roy Munson walks through the bowling alley and snatches the pizza off of the one dude’s plate. I had my daughters’ birthday parties at brunswick zone a few weeks ago. I ordered 5 large pizzas for their friends to have a go at while they bumper bowled to “one direction” songs. When the slices started running low, I figured I would be courteous and order another pizza just in case people were still hungry. Nobody ate it. For those that know me, I’m not one to leave uneaten pizza on the table. So I polished it off…the whole entire thing. I went home and cried myself to sleep that night.
Anyway, I’m not even gonna waste your time with this. The pizza here fucking sucks. Plain and simple. It’s frozen, unpackaged and sent through a conveyor belt until it’s finally somewhat edible. It’s basically a partially cooked plain tombstone with a digiorno rising crust. What Brunswick zone lacks in delicious pizza, they more than make up for with killer activities to help you take your mind off of the travesty of a pie that you’re putting into your mouth. Laser tag, first person shooter arcade games, pool tables, a bar that’s stocked with a rather fine selection of craft beers to wet your whistle, and well…bowling. Not to mention the giant indoor firepit.
I gotta say, I’m truly disappointed with both the pizzas that we were given today. I had high expectations for the money that we shelled out for them. Ultimately, this battle ended with both opponents getting disqualified for serving up such terrible pies. Which should you get next time that you’re out and about? Neither. Get a double baconator from Wendy’s and call it a night.
Out of all the bowling alleys and similar places that could host a birthday party in this day and age, I think Brunswick Zone is easily the most ideal. This place has so much going on that it speaks to so many different audiences. The bar setup with pool tables, big screen televisions, decent beer selection and fire pit could occupy anyone over the age of 21 while their bratty kids busy themselves with laser tag, bowling and/or video games. Since they don’t allow outside food or beverages, you’re going to have to choose wisely from their snack bar if you’re looking for some legitimate food.
Brunswick definitely shit on Chuck E. Cheese’s right away by offering pizzas starting at $14 bucks. But as far as taste goes, the two were basically on the same level. Now I know I shouldn’t expect much from either place since they don’t specialize in pizza, but I just expected Brunswick Zone to stand out in comparison to Chuck E. Cheese’s. Their pizza was similarly just a frozen, bland piece of crap that does nothing but appeases the masses of dumb children and parents who walk in the door. Neither establishment wins the pizza battle since the pizza fuckin sucked at both places, but at least you can get drunk at Brunswick Zone