Original Village Pizza
10006 Sandmeyer Lane
First things first. I would like to own up and say that I’m 100% responsible for this weeks travesty of a review. I received a tip from an inside source that “Original Village Pizza” on Red Lion Road makes a fairly decent bacon pie. Upon hearing this, I immediately hit up the jack and texted Plic that we needed to indulge in some extracurricular bacon activities. Just like that, this week’s review was ready to go. After finishing my workout at planet fitness, I figured what better way to get my protein intake then to inhale a hot, bacon pizza fresh out of the oven. Just minutes away from Red Lion and the Boulevard, I was there within minutes.
Now, even before I had this pizza in my mouth, some issues already presented themselves. For instance, the “a $1 fee will be added to ALL debit and credit transactions” sign that’s plastered all over inside. YOU chose the option to allow YOUR customers to pay with means other than just cash. Why charge them an extra dollar just to eat your shitty pizza? How about you fire one of the 10-12 people that you have employed doing absolutely nothing behind the counter, who are obviously making fun of me while speaking Greek, instead of making us responsible for your merchant fees. There’s like 10 states where if you even attempted that shit, you’d get hit with a dickload of fines and penalties. Anyway, after paying for my pizza WITH CASH (for obvious reasons), I was shorted a dollar with my change. I’m not sure if this was their attempt to make good on what they owe their creditors, but rest assured, I wasn’t leaving without that single. After a brief squabble with the cashier, I left with the proper cheddar I was due.
“Me•di•o•cre – adjective. 1. Of only ordinary or moderate quality. Neither good nor bad. Barely adequate. 2. Rather poor or inferior.” Synonyms: characterless, run-of-the-mill, undistinguished, uninspired. This pizza was sub-mediocre at very best. Extremely greasy. The crust was flavorless and easily neglected to the side. I never thought I’d make this statement, but there was entirely too much bacon on it. It was to the point where it overpowered the rest of the pie. And it wasn’t even the good bacon either. It was a generic bacos or bacon bits. If you’re gonna do a legit bacon pizza, break it up by hand. Don’t granulate it and chop it to smithereens. My one wish would be for someone, somewhere, to construct a pizza with thick cut, maple syrup bacon complete with cracked peppercorn edges. And I want it with a mozzarella and cheddar infused cheese blend or some smoked gouda. Fuck. This pizza is by no means on our level. This is kiddie school stuff. I’ve had better pizza from pizza shops under the EL in West Philly that serve chinese food and fried chicken wings. Save your $10, go next door to Lenighan’s, get yourself a few whiskey sours and play photo hunt on the touchmaster 2000. You’ll forever be in my debt for that recommendation.
Although we primarily rely on word of mouth when it comes to checking places out, every once in a while I get a little skeptical. And so begins our most recent visit to Original Village Pizza, right past Verree Road and right off of Red Lion. Castro’s barber insisted on us trying the bacon pie there, and I read nothing but positive reviews online. So, how bad could it possibly be? I was about to find out.
I was a little impressed after learning that Original Village had their own customized boxes. Considering most places settle for the generic “Hot, Delicious Pizza” boxes that are everywhere, I saw this as a way for them to set themselves apart from the pack. Any pizzeria that goes to this much trouble for a box must put twice as much effort into their food, right? At least that seemed like a logical assumption before I actually took a gander at what was in the box. Inside looked like a generic, crusty pizza had been covered in fever blisters and sold to a handsome blogger. I had been duped; Original Village splurged on a customized box, yet filled it with one of the ugliest pizzas I’ve ever seen. It was the type of pizza that you take one look at and know it’s gonna suck.
…And sure enough it did. The crust and sauce were flavorless and bland, while the bacon was fatty and cold. Oh, and it didn’t stop there. I also picked up some fries and mozzarella sticks, which were equally as bad. Had I known the amount of anguish I was about to go through, I would’ve easily ordered from anywhere else instead of having to drive to this dump. If I could sue a pizzeria for the amount of disappointment they caused me, I’d take Original Village to the bank. I’d rather listen to Original Prankster on repeat than eat at Original Village again. It was THAT bad.